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.Oi.

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What a day.  You know, some days are better than others.  This was not one of them.  Here is what happened.

 It all started on my way to work.  For those of you who don’t know, I am working full time at a pig hatchery.  I decided to give up the hustle and bustle of corporate life and settle down into a nice teaching job.  I spent a few years knocking around education programs only to land in an animal husbandry program.  Having never been married to an animal (on a counta it’s wrong) I did not take very well to the program.  Once they explained what it was really all about I was able to get into the grove.  My first job was to deliver horses.  They were cute and such, but was I happy?  Nay.  I moved to jazz musicians.  That left me blue.  The goats just chased me around.  I hug out with the chickens, and I ended up thinking I was one.  Finally, I settled on pigs. 

What made me so happy about pigs?  Was it that I could identify with their life style?  Sure, I’m not the neatest guy in the world and I do enjoy an occasional mud bath.  Was it the fact that their organs are somewhat compatible with mine?  Sure, after eating so much pork, I was going to need those heart valves.  But, was it really was, at least for me, was the fact that some pigs hatch from eggs. 

I am sure that you have all heard the joke about the farmer who raised three legged chickens because his family liked drumsticks.  When asked how they tasted, he answered that he didn’t know cuz they never were able to catch one (the extra leg making them faster).  Well, the idea of hatching a pig from an egg came from a man named Buster Phenfilus.  Buster loved to eat ham and eggs.  It was his favorite food.  Lamentably though, he hated butchering his hogs.  He lived up in Wisconsin and had a daughter was really into animals.  She kept on him until he stopped killing the poor things.  He then realized that he could get away with eggs.  But that left no bacon.  Then it hit him!  If he could have a pig that laid eggs, he could have both!  But how?

Well, fate sometimes has a funny way of showing it’s hand.  Not two days later, a fancy dressed man came up to the house because his car broke down.  He and Buster got to talking and he learned that this man was some kind of scientist, a molecular biologist with a hobby in genetics.  Well, it did not take long for Buster to tell this man about the whole idea.  Several days later, PETA was at his door, asking about the whole thing.  Yep, that fella was a member of PETA and he shared that idea with his friends.  At first they did not know what to think, pigs laying eggs!  But Buster was a fine speaker (he was a toastmaster) and he convinced them that he stopped killing pigs and wanted to purse this instead.  After a while they decided to let him pursue his adventure.  And that is just what he did.

Now you might be asking yourself where I am going with this story.  Just hold on, you’ll see.

After a few false starts, Buster had, with the help of his PETA friend, cloned this pig that lays eggs.  The pig made a nest and POP, out came a dozen eggs, ’bout the size of a piece of hail.  Buster took them from the sow, ran into the house and cracked them open into a bowl.  And wouldn’t you know it, out came little pigs.  Now, Buster was a bit upset.  I don’t know why.  What should he have expected?  I mean, pig eggs.  Come on! 

Into the bowl they went, the little pigs.  It does not take much for anyone see that it would be hard to eat a bunch of little pigs.  But what to do with them?  What to do…

That is where I came in.  I was looking for a job and Buster had pigs that needed hatchin.  It is a simple life.  A humble life.  All in all, not to bad.  Until today.

I was busy birthing litter #2112 from Ester.  Ester is Busters favorite.  Ester is usually always good for a little of anywhere from 9 to 11 eggs, but today, today she gave me 24.  I didn’t quite understand what that was about until #24 came out.  It was purple and green and a little smelly.  Anyone who has ever birthed anything knows that the colors and smells can be interesting, but this was a whole new level.  I took the egg into Buster for a look and he just passed out.  I never did find out what happened because right after that there was a loud crack and that egg hatched right there in my hands. 

Funny creatures, those egg birthin pigs.  Just when you think you have them nailed, they give you #24, which turned out to be a lizard.  Actually, it was a Bolivian tree lizard, an oviraptor.  Naturally I wondered how a tree lizard got inside the pig, but hey, when you are dealing with egg birthin pigs, you learn to open you mind. 

That lizard jumped out of my hands and ran off into the woods that surround the farm.  I went looking for it and was bit by a snake and got some poison ivy on my legs.  When I made it back to the farm it was clear that the lizard got away.  Now I have to listen to Buster get on my case about how this could happen again and if I wanted to keep my job I had to do a better job with the oviraptors.  Sometimes I just want to go back to corporate America.  Maybe I’ll be happier there.  Who knows.

And so it goes.

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2 responses »

  1. I’m going to go have a few glasses of wine and re-read this.

  2. Nicely done…

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